A few months ago he stop con tributing (my guess is he exhausted his savings). He tried running his own mechanic business but didnt work out because his brother is not reliable and skipped town on him and took his tools. Please help if you can!! I guess I am just over it and want our old lives back. There are very nice nursing home facilities that would have taken care of your mom. i have read many of these comments. That is plain sad. I cant afford the place we live in now by myself until I get a better paying job and rely on her little contribution from her government cheques each month. Please any suggestions? He doesnt think hell get hired because he had a hard time getting hired the last time he decided to look. I appreciate the feedback. Oh just get a massage, pamper myself and all will be better. Its like half a life. My husband has been unemployed for over a year and three months. Or, if its at all feasible, you may want to try going back to school for a paralegal certificate most community colleges have a program and its not nearly as expensive as one of those private technical colleges. I felt a bit awful as he likely has a genuine medical condition and who but me to help in but honestly he has been so difficult and any govt assistance that I try to get due to 1. his disability and 2. For example, is a manicured lawn more important than a clean kitchen? Their experiences are raw and revealing, and the interviews reflected an urgent willingness among wives to disguise their own fear and anxiety for the benefit of their husbands. He once got a good part time job but after few weeks he quited because he said it was stressful for him. I understand how you feel exactly and am going out of my mind at the moment with not a clue how to right things.My boyfriend of a decade has been unemployed or part time employed fir the last four years, currently working ten hours a week. He cleaned the dishes, he cooks the dinner, takes out the trash, cleans the bathroom, gathers the laundry, and drives me to the bus stop every morning at 5:30 am. Always remember that you and your husband are a team and not opponents; you are in a relationship for the long haul. Hes gotten understandably frustrated and depressed, and his personality has changed so much. Its been over a year and he hasnt even bothered looking for a job. I know these are terrible thoughts, and I try my best not to let them out to her, but they are there. Although I has been working in office for long time. So they might think Ill wait until so and so passes and this situation is resolved and then Ill return to the job hunt.. Choose to be silent, join a group on a spiritual practice that you enjoy, light a candle and reflect, journal your thoughts and feelings, or attend spiritual events and retreats. Its wonderful that a man can work on his dream job filming a movie but one can only pray for luck and amazing marketing to make this movie a hit. We still have sex but even that is not so great anymore. Are these out of work for years men cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, getting the groceries, taking cars in for repairs, dealing with ANY and ALL issues having to do with home, raising the kids, going to their school functions, helping them with homework, etcetc..etc..? It is now 1.5 years since he quit and his business has not even started. I finally called it quits and told him to file. Thank you for this thread. He sleeps on the couch most nights, is overall pretty disinterested in sex so I dont even get that and theres no money for us to go out, getting a babysitter and allso the only one who ever gets to go out is him. Losing a home we had created, my marriage, my closest friend, his family, and an idyllic lifestyle because I had been too pigheaded to work at a certain type of job led to a massive depression. Does money play into it at all? I dont need expensive gifts, I need a husband that can offload my burden. I have nowhere to go. My husband and I been together 7 1/2 years, married 3 1/2 years. I try to take care of myself but he gets pouty and jealous if I seem to be trying to do so. So she met this man, a former classmate at the university, and less than 6 months later they were married. It was not the lack of money so much as these other 3 factors. I got well there but the financial crash happened in 2008 and so I couldnt fin work. Needless to say he got angry. It might just be that your spouse values household work a lot less than you do and isnt interested in pitching in as much as youd like. The apartment is in my name, so i know i have every right to kick him to the curb. Ive been the provider for five years due to the fact that my husband cant hold on to a job. Zero income. I bought a nice house based on two incomes, so that he could have his damned man cave , and I cant handle the expenses anymore. Things can not keep on like this you better give a deadline for yourself /yr bf to act. The reason was also predictably related to the husband - that he didn't put his towel to dry . He plays this game: I applied for four jobs today.a month goes by, he never bothered to follow up on the jobs. Then a 3 month temp job that ended with ..surprise surprise a back injury, 10 months of workmans comp and a small settlement to pay him off. If you the children are not an issue,there is no reason not why dont you separate with your partner. She married in haste. Your spouse may slide back into criticism on this journey to redistribute the emotional labor. Now he told our 10 year old daughter that I should be working harder when he has been unwilling to look at any job that isnt THE perfect job. He could try to do consulting work, he can do freelance work on fiverr or odesk. Everytime I bring something up about him not starting the business, I feel he shuts down. I thankfully have a job, and keep us going. I loved my work and then I was injured in a way that prevents me from working. Keep a sound point of view. It sounds like you are going through a rough time, and we want to make sure you have resources that can help. Him taking his dishes to the sink is, like, a friggin noteworthy event. 7. He has only paid for two dates since Ive known him and lived with his parents when we met because he had little to no money. Absolutely nothing. Have you even read these comments? I am trying really hard but still i am not getting a job even in govt sector. I earned alot of money so we eat out and she had a gym membership.We were always going places and Birthday and Christmas was lavish! He probablly wont even have 5 dollars. If the abuse is not stopped by those who are brave enough to make the hardest of decisions and take on the toughest of challengesthen the abuse and the long term effects of abuse is passed on and continues. I keep looking at the name on this because I swear I feel as though Im reading something I wrote. Cooks once in awhile. My husband has been out of work now for nearly 2 years and its been a true test of our relationship, but I think if we can survive this, we can survive anything. I have had my doubts about my sisters choice of a husband. He was also aware that we nor his kids had any other place in the world to live aside from a drug infested filthy shelter. But, now he cant get a job because he was a manager and he is alternately over-qualifed or under-qualified. Why I am having to do that I dont know! If I break up with him and kick him out, he literally has nowhere to go. Get outside in the fresh air, ride a bike, enjoy a picnic; plan a time where you agree to put aside job worries and focus only on having fun. If I wanted money, I wouldve kicked him out 8+ years ago when he left his job. My husband lost his job two years ago and has never been able to find work since. If you are ever concerned about your safety, please contact local law enforcement or go to your nearest emergency room. During the last 8 months I have secured 3 PT teaching contracts and together with my government unemployment check (Canada) I am able to pay all bills. We have since had to eat away at the savings we werent going to touch, and my credit card is about $3,000 from being back at the limit. I thought by this point in our relationship we would have changed or evolved. Sometimes I think these type of situations let you know what type of partner You have. On top of that i dont have anyone who can watch him nor can i afford a daycare for him to go to. He asked me to be more empathetic when I talk to him about the job search [That] takes a lot of hard work!" My girlfriend and i have been together for 3 years now. My partner has always suffered with mild depression and having lost several jobs due to temper/mood swings, he has been unable to secure proper employment for 4 whole years. again! Be patient, be supportive., I think to myself, Me, be patient? I say that because for the past 7 yrs it has been me supporting and paying every thing, replacing cars, paying her credit card debt and health insurance and you name it I pay for it. Yes I do pray and yes request for prayer and yes I am a religious person and yes my husband and I discuss this over and over and yes I have sympathy for him. I feel like Im trapped between a rock and a crazy place; I have to keep working to keep paying the endless bills; to keep a roof over our heads; to put food on the table. This is CRAP advice. By the way, we no longer have medical aid and our state facilities are not that great. Answer (1 of 19): Not all but most if she is not working It would be unfair for you to arrive home after she was home all day and says you need to do the dishes, or laundry. To save yourself, you must be claimed down. Whos fault is that then? For my 2 children I have to work hard no matter how. I had to prod him to apply for unemployment, and when he got denied, I had to scream at him to apply for an appeal. Often this is at the heart of many disagreements about chores. My point isif a man is out of work and continues to be, for whatever reason, he SHOULD be playing the part of homemaker, caretaker in that time period. Its likely that you have different priorities about what is most important. Possibly it was misleading to state that during this time I have a good income. i have been supportive of my husband for the 3-4 years we been together. He gets mean, depressed, and sometimes seem to have no ambition. You may need to give him a timeframe, say 90 days, to either be working, or you will leave and no longer support him financially. He gets great jobs but than quite them due to something he dont like about the job, or a person he dont like at a job. I love my husband but Im beginning to resent him for this. I think I have known for a while now this realtionship wont work but thats a terrifying leap to make especially with a man who wont even talk. Keep engaging, though.. He had a job and I did as well. Unfortunately, that means I have to 50 hours a week or more. My advice to you would be to get out of the relationship as fast as possible. It is very difficult to change other people. I have informed my mother that, without wanting to sound as selfish, I will support my sister and her family up to December 2016, but after that I need to take some time off. Not because your husbands contribution is better than full-time employment (every family is different), or that his methods were defensible (you deserved some say), but because your insistence on wanting something you dont have is making you miserable. You CANNOT continue to live like this! Ive had resentment for yearsand have directly told him that I cant take the burden of being responsible for it all. All Rights Reserved. He had lunch with a guy he had an interview with in november. I want to move on but I love him dearly. Good luck to all the other partners out there dealing with the same situation. He was a purchasing manager, has a college degree, 25 years experience, long term in jobs- was in his last job for 12 years. You have a gift for expressing yourself with words, you sound educated and wise. Women have long been annoyed that they do more housework than men, as demonstrated by many studies, but now they are really steamed. I want him out of my life!!! I can only take so much and Im at the point of ending this relationship because Im tired of his bouts of depression bc he cant find a job..he seems to forget how mentally exhausted I feel, Omg, I am seriously there with you ladies! I am torn as I feel fairly confident that hes the one for me, yet I dont see much coming from him in terms of support. Photo: H. Armstrong Roberts/ClassicStock/Getty Images. God bless whoever started this! We both dropped out of University and met at a call center after. I just feel like its a vicious cycle that isnt getting better. My apartment was better than his, closer to my work, and I was on a contract so we chose to have him move in with me. my husband refuses to work.he uses health as an excuse,but he was doing this before! Ive been selling things. I just wish I had enough courage to leave him. Anonymous. There are certain jobs he wont do, wont supply for minimum wage jobs etc. This has always been an unpredictable paycheck, but I work very hard to make somewhat of a decent living. And worst of all, hes getting court summons for his credit card debt and I dont have the money to help him out of the debt so thats an even bigger stressor. He wont move and I have to evict him with money I dont have to file. When i caught them it became physical with me n the female causing him to end their affair. I am now going to make an alternative plan that does not include him, as a back up. And I started over with darn near nothing. Pray to God for the energy, sympathy, tolerance, and knowledge to get you through this testing season. Take it in stride. We will always survive. At least once a day ask yourself How can I be helpful to my partner? said Marie Land, a psychologist in Washington, D.C. At least once a week ask your partner how you can be helpful.. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html. Im afraid in a way to talk on here.im no good with computers and such but God brought me here I guess. I have debt coming out of my ears from trying to keep up and supporting my family from one salary income. I felt resentful towards Sweden that I couldnt get a job and become whiney and self pitying all the while enjoying a lovely lifestyle. Sounds like hes a piece of work. 15 Signs You're In An Unbalanced Relationship. A few years ago we had our first baby, which was (and remains) the most wonderful person in our lives. Permanent marker your line in the sand. He owned a small carpet cleaning company and did okay with this the first 10 years of our marriage while i worked part-time and raised the babies. I have to beg him to mow the lawn. While I struggle every day to support us. If they are in a dark place, pray for them and your family that he comes out of it. The author enumerates various reasons as to why husbands do not help women in everyday household work as much as they should. He got quite a decent inheritance from his dads estate right before baby came so he quit the job he had to help with the baby. I dont want people to pity me or understand me. He is even giving up his parental rights because hell never be able to make up for all the back child support. Therapists and counselors can also often provide resources and help to those seeking employment. I dont know what to do. He told me to give him a month for things to get better. And to boot, Im seeing men on this board complaining that their women are not working! Dont remind him that youre paying for everything and therefore he owes you.Instead, Lively recommends presenting chores as an opportunity for him to make you happy. i am about to leave and file for a dissolution of marriage! obviously this is a thing women are allowing men to do. I am beginning to rescent him and no longer have any sympathy for his situation. He says that it makes him feel bad and how will he ever be better when Im beating him down. He is actually very against taking it. But helping your partner bear the emotional labor load will not only enhance their satisfaction in the relationship, but yours as well.. But the jobs that are offer to him are day jobs he will start back to school on aug 27 morning to 530 at night.. Theyd home in on the tasks that need to be done and do it without being asked. I relate to the resentment, hating your own bitterness, and the compassion fatigue. Unfortunately, he is in his 50s and does not have a college degree. Warm regards and best wishes, I thought once the recovery happens and he gradYates with his degree hed be motivated and do something with his time. Perhaps that explains why, for marriages post-1975, men with full-time employment had a 2.5 percent chance of divorcing the following year, compared to unemployed men who had a 3.3 percent risk of divorce. So, so wrong. My husband works periodically, hell go for a few months or 8 at the most and then hell get laid off. Hi Chelsea, he sounds like a horrible man and it seem like you and your kid are in danger. i am newly married and just found out im pregnant for the first time in my life. Heres another thing that gets me: I do not have health insurance through work, so have to go through the exchange. He does yard work and hes not a stranger to cooking a meal or doing laundry. "We can't talk about the employment situation," he said. I dont want to work in the job Ive got but I know I cant leave as I have to pay the mortgage and all of the bills we have no savings as every time I get close to being able to put something aside an emergency crops up with our daughter who lives away at university and I have to fly out to her or pay for her flight back to us. He goes on interviews but never gets hired. I think about important question to ask yourself is: do I see myself with this person for the rest of my life? He plays computer games all day and smokes weed. My bills and your bills shouldnt even be part of your vocabulary. I know this may sound terrible, but after struggling for six years with a boyfriend who lacked ambition, drive, and frankly is extremely lazy I finally got the courage to let him go. Can we carry each other past the winds of pain and challenges? If youre here, then youre looking for help and answers, but unlike a lot of us, youre not stuck. Thank God, I have a good freelance job which pays enough to make the ends meet. Im tired of him bigging up every small thing he does, and quietly letting me carry the weight so many times and not even acknowledging me. I trusted he would do what he was passionate about but so far I am disappointed and am increasingly unhappy in our marriage. heres an idea dump the boyfriend and stay single. He doesnt help with bills except cable because he sits all day and watches tv, he does no house cleaning or laundry. What the hell else is she doing all day? There is a whole lot of feelings discussions out there about the impact of joblessness on families, but not much talk about how it can actually endanger the employment status of other family members. We never got to shed the responsibility of homemaker. I still sometimes get a stomach flutter upon seeing him. I only wish I had met one of you terrific strong women. Hes 34 and has a postdoc degree, so I figured hed do well as there are lots of jobs available for his education level in the city were in.
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